I’m no longer nursing Eliot. It’s not because I’m a Victoria’s Secret model and need to maintain my perkiness. SPOILER ALERT: I’ll probably never even model lingerie for SEARS Automotive. Or Goodwill.

I stopped nursing for several reasons, a combination of Eliot’s allergies and a strong desire to bronze my first Medela double breastpump..

As Hanna Rosin writes in “The Case Against Breastfeeding,” some moms will give you the crazy stank eye for not breastfeeding at least a year. My friends have NOT done this. But I have heard about these moms. They have a certain prideful air when describing their decision to nurse—as though giving your child formula is like feeding them Cap’n Crunch without the Berries.

Well, have no fear. You don’t owe the Stank Eyes an explanation. In fact, if you feel pressed, use one of the TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR WHY I’M NOT BREASTFEEDING listed below. Or hit ‘em with a combination of responses. Either way, they’ll be sure to leave you alone.

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NON-BREASTFEEDING PARENT

1.  ”I hate babies.”

2.  “My baby is a goat.”

3.  “Breastfeeding is racist.”

4.  “These are loaners.”

5.  ”The Civil War wasn’t about slavery. It was about breastmilk.”

6.  “I never saw Claire Huxtable do it.”

7.  “My baby is Black, but she has really thin lips.”

8.  “These are Wrangler jeans I’m wearing.”

9.  “Target sold out of Missoni nursing shawls.”

10. “I’m starving. Where did I put that Creatine shake?”

These are definitely the TOP TEN excuses to give Stank Eyes for not nursing, but I’m sure you can think of some other, ancillary ones. Leave them in the comment section below.